I do not have room for second best. I have to do more than the rest. I constantly worry about what is to come, I am more prepared than some. When making decisions, I second guess. People call me a perfectionist. I don’t understand why I am this way; I need confirmations and certainty throughout my day. Unpredictable doesn’t sit well with me…

Just because I’m getting up does not mean I’m ok. I feel the weight and burden of every day. Sometimes I cannot sleep, sometimes I can’t eat. Sometimes I can’t stop the tears. I’ve dealt with this low for years. Sometimes I wonder if people see the real me so I try to make a good impression…

Don’t eat this, don’t eat that. You are too thin, you're too fat. When I look in the mirror I don’t like what I see. I’m obsessed with changing my body. I don’t understand my relationship with food, But sometimes it helps me to deal with my moods. I am exhausted, I’ve given all I have to give. I am scared, this feels like an awful way to live. I’m always on edge; living on the border…

What is safety, what is peace? What is protection, what is ease? What is security, what is love? My dysfunction makes me fear all of the above. I live my life in survival mode waiting for the next worst thing. I’m too cautious, I over commit; afraid to lose a good thing. I am successful and reliable, but I often wear a mask. I'm trying to move forward but I'm haunted by my past. Who will cry for the little child who lives deep down within this neglected POC who wasn't supposed to win?

The pain runs deep. It lives in my veins. Flashes of fear stay in my brain. What I’ve witnessed you may never know. How uncomfortable I feel in my body I may never show. But isn’t this normal? I grew up this way. These types of things happen every day. I’m not surprised, I’m not shocked by what I see. I’m a POC who has experienced Racism, and it has traumatized me.

My relationship with God was everything, but now it’s not enough. I committed to my faith but I feel that I can never measure up. I've tried to connect but I'm consumed with guilt and shame. I pray and pray but my situation doesn’t change. I'm questioning if God has forgotten about me. The ones who claim to love Him have violated me. I am spiritual but I cuss a little “judge yo momma…”